A Rock in a Hard Place

During some point of a woman's lifetime (not all), the personal comfort of bearing a child, physically remarkable, they want to endure the pain, the drugs, and the mood swings to bring a life into the world. I understand that. But understanding that has declared me to being insensitive rather than attaining male-female bonding. The insensitivity is comparable to me telling Leah that work and school are being chores; information she tunes me out. I tune her out when she clamors that she wants to have a baby. Regardless of what is said; what is felt is insensitivity.

It is difficult when we all want to be catered to. "To err is human." To give is divine.

Thank you Doogie Howser M.D. for short journal entries.

Living to Cope

I am trying to stick to my guns and make a post once in a while. Even if I am waxing poetic, it's necessary. The mind needs time to reflect, even in this fast paced world where we have to be everywhere and when time spent has to be efficient. Usually for most people, the mind is strong and the body is weak; lately, I feel I am just flat out weak.

I made it a point not talking for a bit. Trying to take care of certain things and clearing my head from certain people who get to me. May be avoidance with certain issues is good, and I'm starting to realize that. A lot of friends, family, and people I work with are greedy, self-centered, selfish, and ignorant. Whether or not it means that people do care about you, is one thing, but when people know that you're not on your game they take advantage of you; sometimes it is of best interest to remove yourself from that agita.

Some days I just don't get it. One day this week, I understood what I was doing on the wire, the next day, I'm just near helpless. The easy part is entering the orders, but being a psychology major, I should have the inside track of handling peoples personalities. I don't. Between brokers pestering me, pissed off individuals at different desks, and stubborn bodies that muddle the way from getting things done correctly, I feel like I am just running around in circles.

After work today, I walked past Sam in the lounge (he was waiting for his wife), and we talked for a bit. He noticed I was beat tired. This week working, going to school, studying every night, and the most time of sleep I had was five hours, the weekend clearly was a welcomed break. Talking to Sam was a calming influence. His demeanor is always fair, stern, and gives great advice, because he's always patient and is so knowledgeable. Sam's the older brother; to consider with life experience that I did not expect. He's been positive towards me.

May be I'll always be a sparkplug, but I need to keep an even keel and treat everything the same so that may be the days and nights won't wear on me so much. I have to live with for a long time of not getting any good sleep, being harassed and dealing with crap, but I need to find some ways to cope with that stress.

Sam said, "The hardest part of working on the wire is not entering the orders, or knowing where to bust a trade, but dealing with people. Once you can deal with people, you know this job will be easy."

Simply what I need is better knowledge, people skills, and efficiency.

Overwhelmed

I am over-my-head.

I'm looking at the next couple of weeks and there are just so many short nights and long days; some I am very fearful that they will be sleepless. There is a possibility that even hygiene may be an aformentioned thought. Work, school, communiting. All work and no play really does make Jack a dull boy.

This Jack, is frustrated beyond belief. What is okay to be sacrificed, turns out to be a frustrating moment of things that needs to be done, because there is so much stake. I do not know whether it is even fathomable to spend time with my own fiancee, the one I love, anymore because there is so munch work to be done. Book review in two weeks, another paper due two days after that, saving up for a wedding, planning two fantasy baseball leagues, and figuring how am I going to get my fiancee's birthday gift.

As I sigh; I contemplate, how can I get all of this done right. Along the way, for the past couple of months, loved-ones, friends, co-workers and co-horts, and family has criticized the decisions that I make, or try to influence so heavily the decisions that I make that I feel guilty when I do not live up to their expectations. Now with a new job, same company, I do not want to screw up. I do not have any room of making an error.

I always hear that everything can be fixed. Yet, I hear, don't make this mistake, why the hell am I trusting a kid to do this, and so forth. I even heard the constant qualms of my future mother-in-law of me being over, or even me trusting the choice of my fiancee to choose where to go to dinner for our anniversary.

Suddenly, every small decision is gigantic. A few months ago, everybody around me could trust the decisions that I make, or are understandable why my choices should go this way. Personally, I am not willing to comprimise yet: I'm still in school, taking six credits, with two very difficult courses; I'm learning a new job; plus the need of friends and family is so clingy, the decisions to go my way those months, it is hard to reciprocate them. I find myself frustrated and pissed off in times that I should find relaxing. For example, while taking a shower and washing my hair, I cursed myself out for a good fifteen minutes because I am so behind on getting things done. I hoped that taking Friday off from work would allow me to get some things done this weekend, but now it's late Sunday night, and I have barely even started on the things that I need to get done by the end of tomorrow.

Wise people always say, you will learn from your mistakes; however, none of those wise people understand this, "What happens when you are in a situation where you cannot ever make a mistake? When you make a mistake, it issue is magnified beyond proportion. Like the things that I wanted to do is not so because it is hard to size up when things take higher priority. Everybody makes their issue the highest priority." Personally, to me...it is.

I want to give up drinking alcohol and going to parties. I want to hang out with people, meet an know them, but I find an issue of meeting people to drink, freak dance and smoke, not because it is scandalous, but I want to know people for who they really are. I like the idea of a group that goes to watch a movie, goes bowling, plays pool, or hangs out a coffee shop just shooting it. I miss playing World of Warcraft, and video games badly. I'm dying to play Guitar Hero, if only I had a TV and a X-Box 360, a PS3 or a Wii. I want to live no longer than 45 minutes from work; a commute that I don't have to transfer to a different train and wait 10-15 minutes for. A job that I like, not because I have to do the job. I want to be trusted with the decisions that are being made, and have the people around me be happy for them. I want to get back into shape, but bulk up and not having friends and family calling me fat.

It's overwhelming, and I know it's too much to ask. So I am going to do what's best. Late nights of studying and doing homework, plug through day-by-day with this job, and figure out how to get these leagues going; how to save up a penny somehow that my fiancee can be happy. If I struggle for now, I won't have to struggle in the future. And if I do; that's life. I'll figure out something. Everything eventually, will come into place, regardless if it's my way or not. But at least I know I tried, and that's what I hope friends, family, co-wokers and loved ones could try to see that as being important.

Snow Wish

Apology?
I should apologize for my absence; albeit, should it really matter. The last couple of weeks have me in transport to Brooklyn at 5AM and leaving between 10PM and midnight. This mainly doing temp work for professors and assisting the softball program. It has been a tiresome time.

Snow Wish
At the moment, it's 5:06AM, and it is snowing. The suspiciousness of what I said is that NYC hasn't had a lot of snow this winter, and this being the first real snowfall, suggests fears of global warming, ozone depletion, etc. I'm for destroying the planet, but also for doing it at only certain levels. It has been ironic that it has been fairly wet, but rainy all winter, and that the temperature has been warm not to wear winter clothing as so much. Despite a few frigid nights, most of them haven't required winter wear.



Winter Wear
As I have gotten older, the actual look of winter wear has felt kind of lacking. My sweaters, fleece jackets, and coats have gotten thinner in wear. Body fat in adults is not the excuse. Temperature has been warmer. .8° from normal on the global scale is a huge difference. Because temperatures don't really rise or fall at the tropic levels, they're magnified at the poles, and throughout other temperate zones. Henceforth, it's been a lot warmer this winter than previous. Not to mention, the fashion industry profitted more on clothing in 2003 and 2004, when the temperatures were unbareably cold, and people would wear 5 or 6 layers to stay warm. More layers is more clothing and more money.




Winter Wear Coat of Now


Winter Wear Coat of Past

A Sense of Normalcy
At least knowing that there has been some real snow this winter, gives a little sanity that the weather hasn't gone completely out of whack. I remember April 1996, where it snowed in New York during the Yankees game vs. the Royals of Kansas City. I also remember two years ago, playing baseball in late March and about 5 minutes after the game it started snowing. More appaproe is that those winters were lacking in the snow department. Yes, it got cold, but it didn't snow. I'm assuming, as the characteristics of winter arise, the more comfortable I feel that things in general are not going completely out of whack.

Makes you wonder, could I ever survive in Seattle, or Denver? Apparently not.

Mets Fans: Be Wary

I write about this, because Mets fans high off off-season acquisitions.  At first I believed in the hype.  It felt nice to have a big named closer for the Mets; however honestly, I think the Mets and the Yankees are not as good as perscribed.  The Mets have serious pitching and defensive problems, not to mention questions on offense.

Why There Was Such a Hype?
Acquiring Wagner, Lo Duca and Delgado were huge.  By doing so, they immediately covered three issues they had faced all 2005: closing out games, offensive production and stability.  Wagner is one of the most coveted arms in baseball, as he constantly throws 100 mph fastball, Lo Duca is a veteran catcher who also provides flexibility of playing OF and 1B and Delgado is the masher they really needed since Dave Kingman (37 HR but .204 BA in 1982).

The Mets sought out to improve their bullpen woes by also acquiring Jorge Julio, Duaner Sanchez, Steve Schmoll, Chad Bradford, and Yusaku Iriki.  Combined with possibly Heilman, Wagner and Heath Bell, they have a solid bullpen even if Julio falters.

However, there are problems.  The Mets, first and foremost made one of the worst deals this off-season by trading Kris Benson for John Maine and Jorge Julio.  Maine is a 24 year-old had-been prospect, which seemed to fall out of Orioles favor and Julio has fallen out of favor with the Orioles for years.  Julio signed to arbitration, will be one of the focal points of this bullpen to pitch in the 8th inning.  I don't think Maine has much potential, and Julio has control problems.  This gave Zambrano a spot in the rotation, and moves Aaron Heilman's role into flux, alongside Aley Soler.

Zambrano is an injury-plagued pitcher throughout his career who has problem commanding the strike zone and has velocity issues.  An athlete by trade, these issues are difficult to overcome the strong NL East hitting (sans the Washington Nationals).  Also, Pedro Martinez has an lingering injury--a toe injury which causes him pain while pitching.  Not to mention, you don't know what you are going to get out of Tom Glavine (age) and Steve Trachsel (inconsistent throughout career).

In the field defensively, there are still two glaring holes: second base and catcher.  If the season started today, Kaz Matsui or Anderson Hernandez is your starting 2B.  Hernandez is a rookie, with talent, but wasn't able to translate it in his September call-up.  Kaz Matsui has been the talk of trades.  Nobody wants to take on his contract, nor the issues of injury.  He's a big a bust as Sammy Sosa, Juan Gonzalez and Mike Lowell last season.  In addition, neither of these guys produce offensively or this season expected to.

At catcher Paul Lo Duca is an arm upgrade over Mike Piazza; however, I'm an upgrade at catcher over Mike Piazza.  More indepth however, Lo Duca has a propensity to break down throughout the season, as his stats become worse as the season progresses, both offensively and defensively.  The Dodgers and the Marlins used him at other positions throughout the season to keep his bat in the lineup, however, it didn't prove helpful.  For the Mets, he's unlikely to do so, unless he knows how to play second base.

The Mets have one issue with Delgado.  His ability to not make contact.  As a regular he has never had a season under 100 strikeouts.  They need to worry about maintaining health of Cliff Floyd, Carlos Beltran and whomever is to play RF (Victor Diaz, Xavier Nady, Endy Chavez?).

The last offensive issue is of the top of the lineup.  Jose Reyes as talented as he is, does not get on base enough.  The Mets have the worst BA from the 1 and 2 spots.  Carlos Beltran did hit well with RiSP, but it's hard to improve those stats when nobody is on-base.  The Mets don't have a soul speed guy past Reyes, although Beltran, Floyd and Wright can steal 10-20 bases a season (in Beltran's case 30).  Most importantly, if Jose can not get on base, the Mets can't get into the post-season.

But they'll challenge with the Braves and Phillies.  As Omar Minaya does, he puts out a competitive team; but is it really playoff or World Series calibur or building blocks; I have my doubts.

Job Thoughts

From the January 23 post:

le sigh.
change is often exciting. too much excitement is no good for us guys. we go limp easy. =\ lol

but yeah... i'm taking my time joining folks on the whole adulthood thing. we were officially deemed adults a year or so ago. it's fucked up.

ima take it slow after i finally finish poly.. work part-time for a while......the most important thing i realize now... is to not be lazy. can't afford to be as lazy as i am now. step 1, DON'T BE LAZY. step 2, keep moving forward... and the doubts/fears/insecurities tend to minimize and shovel emselves away.

- Posted 1/24/2006 at 9:38 AM by abed©

Taken to heart, I'm taking a job working with softball on February 1st. I'll keep your keys in mind Abed. I won't be lazy.

I decided to take thepath of starting from the real bottom. Meaning, I took a $7.00 per hour job (may be more) at the bookstore. I start on Monday. Granted if you remember that minimum wage is $6.75, I'm pretty close to there. After ranting and raving on the phone Wednesday on how life is unfair and crap, I decided that may be this is my place right now, and if not, for life. Apparently, I am of blame.

According to all my friends and parents, working for Athletics, nor my job at Beach Channel were not real jobs. It obviously not the real world, and no matter what I did, it was too unspecified. Henceforth, I didn't deserve to even be looked at. I think it was the idea that companies didn't see me working that kind of workstudy job to further better myself in that field; I was unqualified.

Yesterday, my mom was home early and first thing saw me was in bed, online. So, she started by first wanting to use my laptop to check her e-mail at work, then brought up the whole debacle of my future (something my dad brought to her attention). I think my mom was trying to be apologetic to my plight; meanwhile, it did not really do any good. I was listening to the same old same old again. Apparently the conversation ended with me realizing that I'm doing this until I land something better. But nobody actually believed in what I thought was true of me, that the jobs I had for Athletics meant something. Or at least I made it out to mean something.

That's the end of that crap.

Recommended Flash To Watch:

"Gong Xi Fa Cai" by daklewijd™

Chickens Sweat Out Over Unknown Assailant

The Unknown Assailant

The Unknown Assailant is a Dog!?! Will the chickens meet a foul fowl? Only way to find out is watch the flash!

Flash presented on Newgrounds™.

A Popularity Faux Paux

Everyone says that popularity never resolves all issues; matter in fact, popularity causes more stress in peoples lives between the ages of 5 and 22 more than anything else.  Popularity is not about who knows you, it is about who knows your name, your vogue, and your establishment in a society.  Considering HS, I had none.

Fall 2001, I went to Polytechnic University, and by Fall 2005, I had established a popularity.  Not well known, or snobbish or anything, but recognizable amongst peers.  People knew my name, they knew what I politically stand for and knew who I was.  I achieved popularity.

What makes 2006 different from 2001?  ...different from 1997?  ...different from 1995?

Popularity is in all cases destructive.  It's a method of upholding an image.  From 0-17, attempting to achieve this made me feel jealous of everyone else.  However; 18-21 makes me feel self-conscious of maintaining popularity to that it becomes destructive from what I was known from 0-17.  Eventually, I would never be the same person.

Popularity makes others attempt other absurdities: like closure.  I had a couple of those moments of closure, since HS; none the way I hoped it out to be.  Eventually, I come to learn very harshly that those who remember you remember who you stand for (and not vogue), who you care for (not who you know), and who is friend (not who is acquaintance).  Sadly, it cost me a few friendships, a couple of narcaissicstic confessions, and a lot of soul searching.

The worst and foremost; people remember your brother because of who he cared, what he stood for, and who was friend.  People only remember you as "his brother."  In my case, I'm "Tarik's brother."  Nobody knows if you are older or younger, if you are talented and skilled or a friend or a nerd.  Popularity was my killer.  At least now at 22, popularity is no more since politics rules our lives.

"Friends don't let friends be popular."

Rights are Legislated

Well, all I'm saying is that you, yourself as an individual try to stand up for yourself on an issue that nobody agrees with you on. Try it. Watch people, walk away, pretend you don't exist and not give two shits for what you think. That's what government treats individual quarrels and complaints when whom also happen to be just a peon. Nobody gives a flying fuck, and may be I should agree with those who are the ones who (a) control my livelihood and (b) pay my check.

Sometimes there is only one job for that individual and may be that job is their career. If you are in a job that you want to work--because of love for it--you wil do anything to make your dream happen--even if you fail. For example, my high school gym teacher lived three hours away, back and forth, and he had to leave his family to work at my high school, coach soccer and track & field to a bunch of high school misfits, because he couldn't get a job on the island. He did that for 30+ years until he retired. Imagine seeing your sons may be twice a month (if lucky enough) just to satisfy a bunch of school kids whom later on would work mainly "civil servant" jobs and be called thugs (because I have the feeling Bloomberg would say nigger, but he's a public icon, they know better). There are many people who do this, just so their family can live a good life, go to a decent school, and may wind up at a "UNIVERSITY" and then learn occupational politics so that they can control others in the real world.

All, I'm saying is that, when we get our degrees, become executives at age 25, or run for public offices; to run in positions of power and positions to abuse power, or to become engineers being the influencers and bosses of some design project which can either kill millions or make billions, what is understood is that there is political freedom--and the result of it--affectual freedom. Whatever misinterpretation of our rights that is left (if the Bill of Rights is just a pile of bullshit meant to be smoked as a Cuban cigar) is what really means for us. Us people, whether you have it all, or hope to have a piece just to keep you living sanely for another week, or if you have nothing at all, the affectual freedom that allows people to do something, to voice a message, whether it's illegal or not, that people are free to do this with their own volition. Amendment 1 of the US Constitution allows this: except for when it endangers the lives of others. If this strike really endangered the lives of others, why weren't terror alerts didn't make the federal government kick into this situation, why did the politicians and executives of the MTA stoop to namecalling of TWU and MTA employees? Where is the professionality in that?

Personally, I didn't care, and honestly I gave a flying fuck if they went on strike or not. What I cared about is what actions that were happening and the results that came from it? Imagine if our President really gave no damn about the students of Polytechnic University. Honestly, nothing would really happen. But imagine if our President really gave no care about the administration, his e-board, and the rest of those that make Poly work at his level, will he have a job at Poly? No. It's all about politics.

Understand politics, and understand rights. May be we're no longer fighting for rights, but we sure as hell have to be a majority for them.

So understand: a voice + representation = you may be heard!

Memoirs of a Geisha Review

Memoirs of a Geisha is a classic movie derived from the Arthur Golden book. Frankly, it is closely related to the book, although I haven't read it in a few years. However, if you never read the book, or if you have, Memoirs of a Geisha is that witty drama about one young girls story of becoming a full-fledged geisha.

Cast: This is an All-star Asian line-up. The problem is that, by movie purists, Chinese and Vietnamese should never be featured in the movie. A couple of the main characters, are distinctly Chinese, such as Michele Yeoh (Hong Kong) and Ziyi Zhang (People's Republic). There performance removes this gap. They effectively play the role of mother/daughter geisha. Ken Watanabe is as excellent as usual.

Movie Structure: There is a strong movie structure, as it uses a basic, classical formula. They don't make you forget too much, as they go back and forth with flashbacks, but not to be overdone. Throughout the movie, there's the effect that you sympathize with Sayuri (Zhang). You can also see the desire between the Chairman (Watanabe) and Sayuri, and a developing story of romance throughout the story. It is quipped with maxims and morals throughout the story, well supported.

The end, however, feels rather expected.

Direction: This is a Rob Marshall movie, produced by Steven Speilberg. It has a Speilberg type buzz, and it will win quite a few Emmy's. So far, it has been one of the best written dramas in the movies this year. The problem is that it had an American feel throughout the story, and not how Asian direction influences their movies. This may be because of how important movies try to rake in the big dollars.

The Good: Excellent direction, excellent portrayal of story, direction. Well executed. Strong acting, strong design. All the perfect elements for a great movie/classic.

The Bad: All-types of Asian cast that removes the specificity of where Geisha's come from. It is quite long for most common movies 2 hours 24 minutes (although, it doesn't feel like it).

Overall: A well done movie. I would rate it 5 stars, but American's will be disappointed becasue there's no prostitution and sex; and it's too long for the standard 100 minute movie. Asians will be disappointed because of the feel of the movie. Removing these two stereotypes, I enjoyed this movie for its content, its acting, its story, and its overall direction and elements in the movie. I rate it a 4.5 of 5. However, and sadly, most people will think of this movie as nice, but rather average.

Yule Time Spiel

I write now, being about 7.5 hours before Christmas begins. You know that whole spiel, of Christmas night, not a mouse trolling...blah, blah, blah. So, yeah. I don't know what to say.

So, I currently see my bank account in the red. Yikes! Need one of them jobs.

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A Project DCK Christmas Special

"A Very Klunk Christmas" provided by Project DCK. An ironic, vulgarized version of Christmas spirit...or the lack thereof. A must watch, if you don't really care about the Christmas Scrooge. Have a happy and safe Holiday!








http://www.projectdck.com - ProjectDCK©2005. All Rights Reserved

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Tomorrow, it's visiting my grandma and uncles for Christmas dinner.

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Conversations
(02:09:49) Me: just irony
(02:09:54) Norm: cause by saying he won u mean he has the worst eyebrows
(02:10:09) Me: well, may be
(02:10:21) Me: but he's got a girl, and u got ur hand
(02:10:31) Leah-munchkin: oooooooooh
(02:10:36) Norm: BURN
(02:10:40) Leah-munchkin: low blow
(02:10:41) Me: **Cues Final Fantasy VII victory music**
(02:10:47) Me: Norman: Pride -2
(02:10:52) Leah-munchkin: lmao
(02:10:53) Norm: hell, my hand isn't even talking to me anymore
(02:11:00) Leah-munchkin: wow....
(02:11:09) Leah-munchkin: dunno what to say about that one.....
(02:11:12) Me: **Cues Final Fantasy VII victory music**
(02:11:21) Me: Norman: Pride -2
(02:11:25) Norm: -3
(02:11:28) Norm: u jerk
(02:11:32) Me: rofl
(02:11:37) Leah-munchkin: lmao
(02:11:58) Leah-munchkin: didn't i get u twice tonight akil?
(02:12:08) Norm: haha, akil -2
(02:12:20) Me: hey, where's my victory music
(02:12:22) Me: damn
(02:12:25) Norm: **Cues Final Fantasy VII victory music**
(02:12:25) Me: ..
(02:12:35) Norm: sorry, I'm lagging
(02:12:38) Me: ::does dance::

Union 100 - STRIKE THREE! Yer Out!

So, this is what I have doing in the next couple of weeks:

• Finish Christmas shopping...(it's not much and doesn't include me)
• Communications Paper titled: Humorists For Action due Tuesday.
• Organizational Behavior Final on Wednesday, 9AM
  
• Communications Final on Thursday, 9AM
• Final Presentation: Quest-Tech Strike Zone Proposal 9AM
• Final for Comparative Psych sometime during the last week of finals
• Final for Management sometime during the last week of finals
• Social Psychology paper due..
• Research topics from Jim Lewis due...

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I have an interview with Nina Weber of Career Services tomorrow.  I have a feeling that I'm going to be placed on PolyTRAK, which means a couple of good things may happen.  Henceforth, I can be getting some access to more job resources.

I still have a few things to do before I can be considered done with Poly (see above).  I do have until January 15 to complete all my coursework and get my grades in.

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Went Christmas shopping for today with Leah.  This is what I bought:

• Rio 512 Flash MP3 Player w/ FM Tuner ($116.95)
  
• Multi-Stripe Tie (2) From SEARS ($38.47)
  

Will be doing a couple of more gifting creations in the next day or two.

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The Subway Strike

On contrary opinion to those who believe in the ability to gain status, I think these people are idiotic for calling a strike.  This is not about the Taylor law, or about this being done during Christmas season--it's about shutting down a system which will cause many people to be stranded for dead.  Yes, I said, dead.  A subway strike will cripple the system.  It will make neighborhoods who have no supplies have to depend on community contributions.  It better cause an upheval in modern society.

No offense, the reason why you have a City job is because you decided to take the job or you decided that you did not want or have the educational skills to pride on doing something beter.  No offense, but what you guys do is a City job, first and foremost dependent for the city.  It is not about rights, or the fact the majority of the MTA union workers who will be striking or forced to strike are minorities; especially a large contingent, African American.  Friday morning while listening to the NY-1, the first thing the union cries is the race card.   Initially wanting a 15 percent-per-year raise, you cry the race card because they do not want to hear your demands.

This is a reminder that weeks before, the reason why you call for a strike is because that you felt the Transit workers were underappreciated and underpaid because of the raise freeze three years ago.  So you decide to take vengence, Mr. Toussaint, by asking for an outrageous raise increase and demands that will never get you anywhere.  Now, you and the MTA are at an impasse, because you want to be "a radical."

Look, I'm for climbing up the economic ladder, but climbing the economic ladder by these terms is ludacris.  Transit workers were never middle class.  If you ever remember, The Honeymooners, Ralph Kramden was a fat, slob, living in a poorly revitalized tenemant in Bensonhurst.  Mr. Kramden was a portrayed Jew, but lived in a place where crime was rampant, the mob was prevalent, and made little money from the MTA of the 40s.

It's now 2005.  Economic status hasn't changed, nor has Ralph Kramden.

I'm not saying, that Transit Workers do not deserve raises, or do not deserve to live comfortably.  However, I am saying that they are working Civil service jobs, who are doing this more to serve a purpose for the public, rather than their private interests.  Matter in fact, the MTA is a public job; with a privatized institution to obtain rights and privilages.  Many of the train operators went to local engineering high school's such as Transit Tech and Brooklyn Automotive to learn how to work and run automotion.  Transportation is a vital need, not your wallets.  Here is what I think you should get:

• A three-percent raise per year for three years.  Not the eight-percent per year that you are currently proposing to the MTA right now.
• Full Health care benefits and a 401K.  Not including dental.  Dental can be added only if subsidized by limiting a raise by a percent per additional perk.
• Increased retirement age to 62 for those who enter under the new contract.  Pensions are more expensive and more people are on it.  A retirement age of 55 is too young.  Many people cannot even get partial benefits at 55, and only get partial benefits from their job at 62.  In addition, nobody should be forced to retire, and work beyond the minimum retirement age is encouraged and working for the MTA should be encouraged.
• An MTA promise to do the following:
• Hire thousands of new employees to clean trains, police the system and new motormen to increase the number of trains in the system.
• An ability to push the level of pay for transit workers towards the middle class number, but not to exceed, on the ideal that they receive benefits sufficient to the current MTA contract.
• Not raise transit fares.

One person said on Friday, that the reason why they do this is not necessarily on the transit workers, but it's on the straphangers.  Moreorless, we are stuck in a quandry.  We are going to see another increase in the fare.  It is inevitable.  Especially if the MTA gets more to their liking, we can see fares jump another 50% just based on the lack of money that executives receive.  It's not about the people.  It's about the wallets.

The MTA was never about their slogan "going your way."  They aren't their slogan, "Thank you for riding with New York City transit."  Only the transit workers are, because they work hard to try to get us to our destinations on-time.  They have a responsibility to society, but they don't have a responsibility to our wallets.  Nor do the system.  Nevertheless, whatever happens, the struggle between the classes will continue due to the gluttony and greed.  Many Northern Queens riders and Queens-Long Island people who only have the MTA to depend on will suffer.  Those who live in neighborhoods who have to walk miles to see a grocery store will starve.  Not many will die, but many will remember.  ...only if this happens.

My name is not Aaron McGrudder.  I'm just some guy who's pissed off when people forget about responsibility.  That's the problem of this society.

Christmas Time'ish

This year seems to be a low festive feel, because I used to see the sweaters, the high-sales promotions, the decor that considers now festive. It just feels like people want shit, and greatful of what others do for them. To quote a close friend, "What does this do for me? It doesn't do anything for me. It's all for you, but you have to help, unless I cannot give you anything."

I'm not the person who asks for World Peace to become reality. Honestly, I'll take a world of gore and violence everyday rather than a perfect, honky-dory world. But if there is no volition to the things you want, then where's the need; "Where is the Love?"

?

(2003, Black Eyed Peas Where is the Love?)

There is this predicament that we all face, but more importantly, what is left to go on?

Or am I trippin' because I'm consumed with my thoughts? Who knows. Below is Five Gifts I Would Like to Have But Can't Afford: (no particular order or preference):

1. Dell DJ 30 with Dell DJ dock and Inline FM Tuner/Remote Control. Honestly, I don't know why I want 30 Gigs of space for music; however, space is a premium. With Shipping & Handling, it's paying $400 for, sans the $50 mail-in rebate. It's considered by CNET as one that has the no frills of the iRiver H320 or the Creative Zen Touch at a cheaper price. Click Here to read cnet.com 's article.
   What it will do for me? Get me listening to music, kept all in one place.
2. Dell XPS m170 (suped-up). Runs for about $3800. Premium gaming laptop, with the laptop life. I can live with the anti-glare technology, although many complain that it distorts the screen, and causes white backgrounds to be incredibly sparkly. I don't need a lot of hard drive space, but 60-80gig HD will suffice. This should get me safely feeling comfortable about rejoining the gaming circuit, which I definitely can not run with an IBM T22 P3-900mHz.
   What will it do for me? A nice way of getting back into gaming, and easily can use as a work laptop. Click here to see the review.
   
3. 2006 MLB All-Star Game Priemere Package. $2800 (not including meals, and transportation for two people). The 2006 All-Star Game is being held at PNC Park, home of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Going to the All-Star Game and it's festivities has been a long dream of mine. I want to be there the day before, get situated and everything, and leave the day after, when everything calms down, and not worry about leaving with a ton of luggage. Flying would be nice, but if I have to take Amtrak or Greyhound, as long as I have a Dell DJ 30, I'm well prepared for that trip.
   What does it do for me? Allows me to go see my favorite baseball players play in a classic, enjoy the festivities and meet and greet with stars of the game. May be even do a little job promotion for myself. Click here to see the package.
4. Sharp LC-26DA5U. It is a LCD Television, 26" that uses both 4:3 and 16:9 (widescreen) displays. It can connect to a laptop or PC using a S-Video cable, and is HDTV ready. Cost: around $1190.
   What does it do for me? Allows me to watch TV without being bothered by others. Good for substitute large screen for gaming. Decent home-entertainment for my small bedroom.
5. May 21, 2006 - Inner Loge Seats: Mets vs. Yankees at Shea Stadium. Granted, I know tickets can go for $60.00 per seat, but I would like to get an entire group to go...like 16 or so. Granted, I know the Subway Series happens every year, but to be there as to start a Baseball City Road Trip would be awesome. Total Cost of Road Trip and expenses: over $5000.
   What does it do for me? Not only I live to see the Mets vs. Yankees in person, it begins a road trip, which requires planning and AmTrak tickets.
   
   

   There's a lot of other things, I would like as well, for instance, a 5-7.1 Megapixel Digital Camera, but I need to temper my expectations. I should be glad of having a woman, a degree, a life and looking for a job.

There's a lot of other things, I would like as well, for instance, a 5-7.1 Megapixel Digital Camera, but I need to temper my expectations. I should be glad of having a gf, a degree, a life and looking for a job.

When Everything Is Made to Be Broken

Jashira, I so spared you the camera today. I had a last minute decision to leave it at home, because I did not want to carry it in my jacket. So beware! Hahaha!

By the way, most importantly, Happy Birthday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to make myself less involved. Like seriously.

At the Athletics Office, I (may I repeat), I and not the gym manager or anyone else called for a meeting today. I really do not know if it is going to work out or create an everlasting effect, but I'm worried about this. I had to change the time of the meeting to accomodate. I am always accomodating to everyone else, and it leaves me no time for myself. It leaves me making excuses to forget important things (like picture taking on friends birthdays) and makes myself feel less important about me, because I'm trying to bring everyone else up to a new level (or at least show them the light).

It's hard to just turn people off at times. I say no, because I was taught to say no when you are not available. Honestly, I do not like being bored, and this is what I fear; boredom. Part of me wishes I was gym manager; meanwhile, part of me wants to enjoy being a college senior. I want to start planning out my future, be able to start saving for my own city loft, get that first job, which segways to the dream job. I feel like I have done everything I can with Athletics and the reason why I'm still there is that I'm trying to create some way of seeing another venue; find another spark of interest.

But, I also miss going to Anime Society; chilling, watching anime, and being a kid. I miss all these Student Council meetings, chilling in the Commons with friends and even occasionally going to the library and study, while listening to songs off the radio on WinAMP, or Y! Music. I miss taking naps. I miss going to the gym and playing basketball, even if it is just one game, I miss the comradery with the community on that level. Yesterday, I ran into Ralph, and he put it best, "Do you ever play basketball anymore?"

"Hey, today was the first time I worked out in the gym in over 2 months." The last time was when I did a plyometric workout with Alastair during the summer.

I miss being a student. I feel like that with my status and seniority, that I am more of an employee of debt to the Polytechnique, rather than paying my debt to Polytechnic University. I'm losing the scope of the University; an universe surrounding a broadened body of sea with a floatilla of life and vegetation of knowledge and opportunities.

It fell into home and love life. More-or-less, I felt that since school started, I really became bored with life, because I was being rid of every opportunity to enjoy it to help others accomplish their goals. They get there because I help; then I help myself to try to muster what's left. It left me more tired, physically worn than anything else. I still got it yesterday, when after work, on the 2 train, I fell asleep in Munchkin's lap. -_- >zzzz

So, I know I need to make some changes. May be tomorrow's meeting, pending if there is a big turnout, pulls a big morale with the employees; gives them motivation to want to succeed as workers, and I don't have to deal with myself entrenched in a downward spiral. I want the workers to help feel responsible for themselves so that not only they do not become like me when entrenched in the position I'm currently in now, but employee them for the opportunitees to succeed and grow as Athletic Dept. workers.

May be I will get the chance to grow to; be a better manager and be able to manage my time better. Like take pictures of Jashira, Julie, and Leah.

To quote the Goo Goo Dolls "Iris":

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Ciao.

'Boy I hate K-Mart

"The Can't Stand Back-2-School Story"

School is starting on Thursday, which means that I have 3 days of resentment, work and utter annoyance. This entry I entitle: "Can't Stand Back 2 School."

There are many reasons why someone hates going to school; however, it is not until now that I have completely understand in this resentment. Not because I go to Poly, which in my first two years considered it as an All-Male revue. I think I would have this total resentment if I went to Weseleyan or any school that you would associate with Girls Gone Wild. They make this season of the year like the biggest thing since sliced bread. And there's no escape.

For instance, there are no real holidays that prevent one from hearing Back-2-School. They start this in early July now. Granted I know some schools start early August or late July; however, they publicize this season so far in advance for the majority of the country, whose education begins at the end of August or early September. The worst part is that, along with this, the sales are ludacris. I could point out instances were they were putting clothes and books on sale, while they were at it's regular price. $29.99 jeans, where two weeks prior it was, $29.99! Back-2-School is more of a holiday ploy, which sadly does not involve the Greeting Card companies.

Back-2-School captures how much one regrets going back to classes. For I, and probably 30% of people who attend any college, they are doing something that they like (not including the 25% who will not make that into their careers). However, most students, do not like the idea of being tortured with the liberal arts requirements with one or two specialized classes which are already pre-determined by a scheduling rubric. There's nothing liberating about that type of liberal arts. More as in general studies, or until you fail and require a GED or McDonalds job.

One thing returning students to pre/post education can relate is that something that relates to the monetary costs, is the whole feel of back-2-school. They have to make slogans such as "Skool-is-Kool" and OMG, school is starting, I need my new outfits for the fall, because if I wear what I wore from last year, I won't be popular. Fuck, half the time I cannot even remember what I wore yesterday. I have to throw my clothes on the floor just to prevent myself from wearing the same article of clothing two days in a row. Not to mention, I don't think the fashion police is going to know the difference between your jeans being shade 242 of blue and shade 241 of blue; especially when shade 241 was so last year! My god, don't I feel gay. People forget that the essence of what looks cool is if it looks stylish on you; not on how popular it is. It is the same reason why certain people should never wear revealing clothing unless it attracts a specific demographic or why people who have terrible-looking/smelling feet/toenails should never wear open-toed sandals, unless they can change that problem.

In addition, when someone makes a big deal about back-2-school, they forget that life is a longtime learning process. That in the summer you can go take a specific class, and acquire additional knowledge to your brain. It just adds to the stereotype that not only you don't learn in the summer, you are purposely making yourself more dumber, and educators have to reaffirm that by making the back-2-school ideology start a month earlier per year.

As a college student, back-2-school doesn't mean much to me. I'm always in school (summer school, fall semester, winter-mini's, spring semester, etc.). You just get two weeks off as a break and then you start again. What any college student wishes is to get money for back-2-school, where we can spend it on necessities and then the outfit for the first keg party thrown in the student lawn and enough money left over for movie going, drinking and the bribe to the one professor to "do not fail me, just give me a C!" School is complicated. Then again the way I put it, I sound like some popular narcassitic person who antagonized you to the point where you have to shop to you drop, and parade like Back-2-School is a season-long national holiday.

Boy, I hate K-Mart.

Applies to Me

Bold the things that apply to you

01. I love being random.
02. I'm obsessed with making sure my shoes match my clothes.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a boy.
05. I love wearing dangly earrings.
06. I am a gemini.
07. I love someone more than they'll ever know.
08. I'm obsessed with dogs.
09. I can't live without lipgloss.
10. I can't live without music.
11. I lived in a different state in the U.S. before.
12. I get an allowance.
13. I want to be in high school forever.
14. I've seen Jason Mraz in person.
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I eventually want kids.
17. I love to read.
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I am addicted to the Disney Channel.
20. I am a girl.
21. I've been out of the country more than 3 times.
22. I'm in high school.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate girls who are fake.
25. I like to swim.
26. My dreams are sometimes weird.
27. One of my best friends is gay.
28. I have way too many purses.
29. I've seen Fight Club at least 45 times.
30. I dress according to how I feel that day.
31. I've never fallen asleep during school.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. It bugs me sometimes when people are really late.
34. I procrastinate...sometimes.
35. I love autumn.
36. I have too many clothes..
37. I like to sleep.
38. I've never failed a class in high school.
39. I'm afraid of spiders.
40. I have nail polish on my fingernails or toe nails right now.
41. I've watched the O.C.
42. I love my hair.
43. I never fight with my parents.
44. I like the beach.
45. I have never had the chicken pox.
46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I have family out of state.
48. I can't wait till my birthday.
49. I love the show Wild Boyz.
50. I love my friends.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I have never broken a bone.
54. I'm taking German class
55. I have a laptop.
56. I love guys that love music.
57. I state the obvious sometimes.
59. I dance randomly sometimes.
60. I'm a good singer (as long as no one else can hear me).
61. I sometimes like cleaning my room.
62. I never get jealous.
63. I love cute underwear.
64. I love doing math.
65. I cry when I see homeless people.
66. I like hugs.
67. I don't like to study for tests. (but then, I don't really have to)
68. Right now, school is more important than anything else. (Well, TAMS sure is)
69. I am too forgiving sometimes.
70. I have my own vehicle (that I can't legally drive, and that dosen't quite run)
71. I love high school
72. I have a lot of under garments.
73. I'm a daddy's girl.
74. I love kisses on the cheek.
75. I love the color pink more than the rest.
76. I love to sew.
77. I have blue eyes.
78. I like being a passenger in vehicles at nighttime.
79. I play soccer on a team.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I've never lied.
82. I like comfy sweatpants.
83. Jake Gyllenhaal is cute. (only as Donnie Darko of course)
84. I love the smell of the rain.
85. I am right handed.
86. I hate getting shots.
87. I'm a perfectionist.
88. I've gone mooning.
89. I hate the feeling of failure.
90. I enjoy going to high school football games.
91. I like going on rides.
92. I can be quite shy.
93. I still act like a little kid sometimes.
94. There's something I will never forget, either because I can't or because I just don't want to.
95. I love looking at pictures.
96. I love music.
97. I do well in school.
98. I get a lot of mail.
99. I like hot tubs.
100. I like to be alone sometimes.

Layers

LAYER ONE:
--name: Akil Omari Chin El
--nicknames: Ace, Boy Blue, ...
--current Location: Far Rockaway, NY
LAYER TWO:
-- eye color: some shade of brown
-- hair color: black
-- height: 5'7"
-- righty or lefty: righty...i lost my ambidextrousness :-(
--zodiac sign: CANCER
--chinese year: boar
-- your heritage: last time i checked i had jamaican, chinese, brit.
-- the shoes worn today: probably Mizuno or Converse
-- your weakness: my munchkin :-D, Skittles and Sports
-- your fears: large bugs, spiders (not arachnaphobic), disheartenment
-- your perfect pizza: simple and exotic: extra cheese, pineapple and mushroom
-- goal you'd like to achieve: graduating sumday
* LAYER THREE:
-- your most overused phrase on AIM: "...iite" AND "iite"
-- your thoughts first waking up: "awww crap...5 more minutes mom! 5 more minutes!"
-- your bedtime: it floats more than characters from DragonBall-Z
--Chips Ahoy or Oreos: draw
-- Pepsi or coke: Rootbeer!
-- mcdonald's or burger king: sandwiches BK, everything else Mickey D's.
-- single or group dates: i suck at group dates...lol...iono...i've only been on one.
-- addidas or nike: addidas or mizuno
-- lipton ice tea or nestea: i'm still adding more sugar :-P
-- chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
-- cappuccino or coffee: coffee (with mad sugar!)

LAYER FIVE:
-- smoke: hellz no!!!
-- sing: **I PLEAD THE 5th**
-- shower everyday: yep yep
-- like(d) high school: yeah, HS was cool
-- want to get married: sumday...sooner or later? who knows.
-- believe in yourself: eventually
-- get motion sickness: once in a while, and it's like random.
-- think you're attractive: No, but I try. :-)
-- think you're a health freak: more than most people
-- get along with your parent(s): sometimes
-- like thunderstorms: only the light shows.
-- play an instrument: not really
LAYER SIX:
in the past month...
-- drank alcohol: nah...i'm sober
-- smoked: HELLZ NO!
-- done a drug: see above!
-- had sex: nope
-- made out: giggidy giggidy giggidy...alright :-D
-- gone on a date: yep!!!
-- gone to the mall?: nah
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: naa, haven't been OD'ing yet
-- been on stage: no
--been dumped: naa...
-- gone skating: naa....
-- made homemade cookies: i'm online more than i'm home
-- gone skinnydipping: No
-- dyed your hair: naa
-- stolen anything: fo sho! u stole my heart :-*...like i have urz ;-)
LAYER SEVEN:
Have you ever...
-- played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah, but i won.
-- if so, was it mixed company: yup yup
-- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: quite a couple of times
-- been caught "fooling around": oh yeah
-- been called a tease: nah...i get teased...and i like i like :-)
LAYER EIGHT:
-- age you hope to be married: ???no clue???
-- numbers and names of children: number:???would like to have boys and girls???names: :draws a huge blank:
-- describe your dream wedding: i ask for one thing warm, non-precipatory weather
-- how do you want to die: just not in flames, i can only assume that hurts. **reminds me of the lecture our psych professor was trying to tell us painful and painless ways to die**
-- what do you want to be when you grow up: some sort of researcher
-- what country would you most like to visit: a lot of places.
LAYER NINE:
in a guy/girl
-- best eye color? brown
-- best hair color? ????
--short or long hair? long hair
--height: not like gigantic tall or minature short
--best weight: not a stick and not a blimp
-- best articles of clothing: oh yeah, they have to wear clothing...j/k...something that fits the form of the body
-- best first date location: I'm not giving away that secret. I know the spot and only one other person knows.
LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: alcohol (underage :-P)
-- # of people i could trust with my life: parents of course
--# of CDs that i own: a couple
--# of piercings: nada
-- # of tattoos: None...yet.
-- # of scars on my body: lost count
--# of things in my past that i regret: a lot of regrets, but i won't hate on them.
Last Person Who...
-- Slept in your bed? only me
--Last person who saw you cry: gosh...i really don't know
--Made you cry: too long ago
-- Spent the night at your house? nobody
-- You shared a drink with? Betty, Anne, Andrew (JudoDrew), John (JudoJohn)
-- You went to the movies with? my munchkin (was so nice...i went with her twice ;-))
-- You went to the mall with? me myself and i
-- Yelled at you? at me...meee! Who can yell at me!
-- Sent you an email? Professor Jim and Jashira (two separate e-mails)
Have Your Ever...
-- Said "I love you?" Yea
-- Been to New York? Me Live here
-- Been to Georgia? naa
-- California?Naa
-- Hawaii? Naa
-- Mexico? Naa
-- China? Naa
-- Canada? naa
-- Danced naked? in the shower/my bedroom.....
-- Dreamed something really crazy and then happened the next day? not really...that would be too weird.
The Last Few Questions...
-- Last time you went out of the state? in October to Pennslyvania
-- Lucky number? 99 (cues the theme music to "Wild Thing!")
-- Things you like in a guy/girl? u know the usual like boobies...lol, of course, there's a lot of other things too. too lazy to write ::sigh::
-- Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yup yup
--What do you think of ouija board? indifferent
-- What book are you reading now? Blackholes, Wormholes and Time Machines
-- What's on your mouse pad? i lack thereof of one
-- Favorite board game? Monopoly
-- Favorite magazines? gosh, i haven't read magazines lately
-- Favorite sound? my munchkin ^_^
-- Worst feeling in the world? loneliness
-- Do you like scary or exciting roller coasters? they kool...but i'm always freakin' out over them (not really a good gag reflex afterwards)


-- How many rings before you answer? depends
-- Do you sleep with a stuffed animal(s)? nah...it's just me and my laptop
-- What are you going to do after you finish this survey? get so fresh and so clean clean clean then see my boo
-- What was the last food you ate? grilled cheese and pineapple slices

Blind

My happiness has been blinding what is true...things haven't changed. I'm still the same. Things are still the same. 3x 4 Seasons of Loneliness, except for me having a thing for my ex. The feelings between her and I is just friendship and I'm content there.

I caught myself lately staring out at windows, blindly staring ignoring the visual senses of my environment. I'm no longer hung up on someone, but more or less hung up on my feelings. My happiness is blinding from what's true, my anger a channeled rage that is more equipped with structure than just random self-craziness. My sadness, only evident in my eyes and my heart. Nobody is able to see it, because it appears that even to the psychologists, that it's blind to them.

It appears that I'm very good at hiding my feelings.

Loosened Up

I loosened up a lot, I think. I don't know if it's exactly true, but I'm just having a lot more fun lately at school and work, and not really giving about the consequences. If I get yelled at, I don't care. It's not worth it.

I'm just trying to find something out of myself that people say I don't have...an approachable personality.

I remember, I used to get uptight over specific things, like why didn't this work out this way and why certain things don't get done. I know there is a lot of pressure and expectations on myself for things to get done with perfect results, but if they don't get done at all, or if it shows that even with extreme amounts of effort, it's still not done properly, I might as well find some other way of getting it done, better. Kinda like the song by Daft Punk "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger."

Some Poly women find me sexy. Meowwww! lol...j/k.

I'm gonna shave when I get home, get some sleep and then do laundry in the morning before I go to Poly. Apparently people have gifts for me.

I never knew I could be appreciated and loved in some sort of way. I thought I was this person, indicative and written into some specific label; however, I have positive labels that I didn't even know of.

Anyhow...I'll write something better. May be a dream analysis. Who knows?

.

...

I'm on silent treatment now.
I hate work. I'm fed up with it.
I need a career, not a job.
The Athletic Dept. is a job.

A Snowflake In Time

by Akil El

Transcendental illusiveness as fleece as white
No respite for those who get caught and lost in its might
Only drawn in by its fleecy white
And drowned by its captors as it swallows them whole
Regardless of day or night
It walks and swallows those who dare on whole
It captures your heart
mind, body and soul
Nevertheless, it leaves you wanting of previous years
we all used for that innocence that kept us all fearing and all wanting
So as you look outside, gaze and amaze at the fleecy white
Reminisce a part of your soul, of droplets falling up-to-down
and across your face throughout time.