A Rock in a Hard Place

During some point of a woman's lifetime (not all), the personal comfort of bearing a child, physically remarkable, they want to endure the pain, the drugs, and the mood swings to bring a life into the world. I understand that. But understanding that has declared me to being insensitive rather than attaining male-female bonding. The insensitivity is comparable to me telling Leah that work and school are being chores; information she tunes me out. I tune her out when she clamors that she wants to have a baby. Regardless of what is said; what is felt is insensitivity.

It is difficult when we all want to be catered to. "To err is human." To give is divine.

Thank you Doogie Howser M.D. for short journal entries.

Living to Cope

I am trying to stick to my guns and make a post once in a while. Even if I am waxing poetic, it's necessary. The mind needs time to reflect, even in this fast paced world where we have to be everywhere and when time spent has to be efficient. Usually for most people, the mind is strong and the body is weak; lately, I feel I am just flat out weak.

I made it a point not talking for a bit. Trying to take care of certain things and clearing my head from certain people who get to me. May be avoidance with certain issues is good, and I'm starting to realize that. A lot of friends, family, and people I work with are greedy, self-centered, selfish, and ignorant. Whether or not it means that people do care about you, is one thing, but when people know that you're not on your game they take advantage of you; sometimes it is of best interest to remove yourself from that agita.

Some days I just don't get it. One day this week, I understood what I was doing on the wire, the next day, I'm just near helpless. The easy part is entering the orders, but being a psychology major, I should have the inside track of handling peoples personalities. I don't. Between brokers pestering me, pissed off individuals at different desks, and stubborn bodies that muddle the way from getting things done correctly, I feel like I am just running around in circles.

After work today, I walked past Sam in the lounge (he was waiting for his wife), and we talked for a bit. He noticed I was beat tired. This week working, going to school, studying every night, and the most time of sleep I had was five hours, the weekend clearly was a welcomed break. Talking to Sam was a calming influence. His demeanor is always fair, stern, and gives great advice, because he's always patient and is so knowledgeable. Sam's the older brother; to consider with life experience that I did not expect. He's been positive towards me.

May be I'll always be a sparkplug, but I need to keep an even keel and treat everything the same so that may be the days and nights won't wear on me so much. I have to live with for a long time of not getting any good sleep, being harassed and dealing with crap, but I need to find some ways to cope with that stress.

Sam said, "The hardest part of working on the wire is not entering the orders, or knowing where to bust a trade, but dealing with people. Once you can deal with people, you know this job will be easy."

Simply what I need is better knowledge, people skills, and efficiency.

Overwhelmed

I am over-my-head.

I'm looking at the next couple of weeks and there are just so many short nights and long days; some I am very fearful that they will be sleepless. There is a possibility that even hygiene may be an aformentioned thought. Work, school, communiting. All work and no play really does make Jack a dull boy.

This Jack, is frustrated beyond belief. What is okay to be sacrificed, turns out to be a frustrating moment of things that needs to be done, because there is so much stake. I do not know whether it is even fathomable to spend time with my own fiancee, the one I love, anymore because there is so munch work to be done. Book review in two weeks, another paper due two days after that, saving up for a wedding, planning two fantasy baseball leagues, and figuring how am I going to get my fiancee's birthday gift.

As I sigh; I contemplate, how can I get all of this done right. Along the way, for the past couple of months, loved-ones, friends, co-workers and co-horts, and family has criticized the decisions that I make, or try to influence so heavily the decisions that I make that I feel guilty when I do not live up to their expectations. Now with a new job, same company, I do not want to screw up. I do not have any room of making an error.

I always hear that everything can be fixed. Yet, I hear, don't make this mistake, why the hell am I trusting a kid to do this, and so forth. I even heard the constant qualms of my future mother-in-law of me being over, or even me trusting the choice of my fiancee to choose where to go to dinner for our anniversary.

Suddenly, every small decision is gigantic. A few months ago, everybody around me could trust the decisions that I make, or are understandable why my choices should go this way. Personally, I am not willing to comprimise yet: I'm still in school, taking six credits, with two very difficult courses; I'm learning a new job; plus the need of friends and family is so clingy, the decisions to go my way those months, it is hard to reciprocate them. I find myself frustrated and pissed off in times that I should find relaxing. For example, while taking a shower and washing my hair, I cursed myself out for a good fifteen minutes because I am so behind on getting things done. I hoped that taking Friday off from work would allow me to get some things done this weekend, but now it's late Sunday night, and I have barely even started on the things that I need to get done by the end of tomorrow.

Wise people always say, you will learn from your mistakes; however, none of those wise people understand this, "What happens when you are in a situation where you cannot ever make a mistake? When you make a mistake, it issue is magnified beyond proportion. Like the things that I wanted to do is not so because it is hard to size up when things take higher priority. Everybody makes their issue the highest priority." Personally, to me...it is.

I want to give up drinking alcohol and going to parties. I want to hang out with people, meet an know them, but I find an issue of meeting people to drink, freak dance and smoke, not because it is scandalous, but I want to know people for who they really are. I like the idea of a group that goes to watch a movie, goes bowling, plays pool, or hangs out a coffee shop just shooting it. I miss playing World of Warcraft, and video games badly. I'm dying to play Guitar Hero, if only I had a TV and a X-Box 360, a PS3 or a Wii. I want to live no longer than 45 minutes from work; a commute that I don't have to transfer to a different train and wait 10-15 minutes for. A job that I like, not because I have to do the job. I want to be trusted with the decisions that are being made, and have the people around me be happy for them. I want to get back into shape, but bulk up and not having friends and family calling me fat.

It's overwhelming, and I know it's too much to ask. So I am going to do what's best. Late nights of studying and doing homework, plug through day-by-day with this job, and figure out how to get these leagues going; how to save up a penny somehow that my fiancee can be happy. If I struggle for now, I won't have to struggle in the future. And if I do; that's life. I'll figure out something. Everything eventually, will come into place, regardless if it's my way or not. But at least I know I tried, and that's what I hope friends, family, co-wokers and loved ones could try to see that as being important.