Overwhelmed

I am over-my-head.

I'm looking at the next couple of weeks and there are just so many short nights and long days; some I am very fearful that they will be sleepless. There is a possibility that even hygiene may be an aformentioned thought. Work, school, communiting. All work and no play really does make Jack a dull boy.

This Jack, is frustrated beyond belief. What is okay to be sacrificed, turns out to be a frustrating moment of things that needs to be done, because there is so much stake. I do not know whether it is even fathomable to spend time with my own fiancee, the one I love, anymore because there is so munch work to be done. Book review in two weeks, another paper due two days after that, saving up for a wedding, planning two fantasy baseball leagues, and figuring how am I going to get my fiancee's birthday gift.

As I sigh; I contemplate, how can I get all of this done right. Along the way, for the past couple of months, loved-ones, friends, co-workers and co-horts, and family has criticized the decisions that I make, or try to influence so heavily the decisions that I make that I feel guilty when I do not live up to their expectations. Now with a new job, same company, I do not want to screw up. I do not have any room of making an error.

I always hear that everything can be fixed. Yet, I hear, don't make this mistake, why the hell am I trusting a kid to do this, and so forth. I even heard the constant qualms of my future mother-in-law of me being over, or even me trusting the choice of my fiancee to choose where to go to dinner for our anniversary.

Suddenly, every small decision is gigantic. A few months ago, everybody around me could trust the decisions that I make, or are understandable why my choices should go this way. Personally, I am not willing to comprimise yet: I'm still in school, taking six credits, with two very difficult courses; I'm learning a new job; plus the need of friends and family is so clingy, the decisions to go my way those months, it is hard to reciprocate them. I find myself frustrated and pissed off in times that I should find relaxing. For example, while taking a shower and washing my hair, I cursed myself out for a good fifteen minutes because I am so behind on getting things done. I hoped that taking Friday off from work would allow me to get some things done this weekend, but now it's late Sunday night, and I have barely even started on the things that I need to get done by the end of tomorrow.

Wise people always say, you will learn from your mistakes; however, none of those wise people understand this, "What happens when you are in a situation where you cannot ever make a mistake? When you make a mistake, it issue is magnified beyond proportion. Like the things that I wanted to do is not so because it is hard to size up when things take higher priority. Everybody makes their issue the highest priority." Personally, to me...it is.

I want to give up drinking alcohol and going to parties. I want to hang out with people, meet an know them, but I find an issue of meeting people to drink, freak dance and smoke, not because it is scandalous, but I want to know people for who they really are. I like the idea of a group that goes to watch a movie, goes bowling, plays pool, or hangs out a coffee shop just shooting it. I miss playing World of Warcraft, and video games badly. I'm dying to play Guitar Hero, if only I had a TV and a X-Box 360, a PS3 or a Wii. I want to live no longer than 45 minutes from work; a commute that I don't have to transfer to a different train and wait 10-15 minutes for. A job that I like, not because I have to do the job. I want to be trusted with the decisions that are being made, and have the people around me be happy for them. I want to get back into shape, but bulk up and not having friends and family calling me fat.

It's overwhelming, and I know it's too much to ask. So I am going to do what's best. Late nights of studying and doing homework, plug through day-by-day with this job, and figure out how to get these leagues going; how to save up a penny somehow that my fiancee can be happy. If I struggle for now, I won't have to struggle in the future. And if I do; that's life. I'll figure out something. Everything eventually, will come into place, regardless if it's my way or not. But at least I know I tried, and that's what I hope friends, family, co-wokers and loved ones could try to see that as being important.